Black and Proud - Hopefully

Two of my children started school this week.  Sassafras and Little Man go to a charter school and Monday morning - off they went.

The school they attend is 80+% caucasian.  Sassafras' grade level is very diverse.  Nearly 25% AA and about 6 of the 44 sixth graders also happen to be adopted.  That is so great for her.  Unfortunately, Little Man is the one and only AA child in his grade level, and I'm not aware of any other adopted classmates.  For him, this is very difficult.

At dinner this week as we were discussing school he stated, "I don't like being black."  A simple statement, but a very disturbing and deeply sad statement for him to make and for us to hear.  He has struggled through so many deep feelings related to adoption, loss, being a part of a transracial family, knowing he's lagging behind classmates in his studies.  All these have been attacks on his self-esteem.

Whenever your child makes a statement that reflects possible self-hatred you can't help but cringe.  If you're experienced parents, as we are, your cringing is on the inside and your child has no idea how deeply sad the statement has made you.  We probed asking why he feels that way.  He repeated statements I've heard from him before, "Every time they talk about a black person in history everyone turns and looks at me - I don't like that."  He would love to blend and that, is impossible where he is.

My responsibility as a white mother raising black children is to raise a child who is proud of his heritage racially and culturally. We thought we were doing a relatively good job. We have many people in our life from a variety of racial backgrounds, but we may need to take another look at how we are addressing raising a black young man in a predominately white area.

We recently took a vacation to Idaho to visit family.  Our Idahoan family is a diverse family themselves, but Idaho in general is not.  While traveling through Idaho, Wyoming, Utah etc. there were several times I felt very uncomfortable as we were the only family with any black faces.  More than once I couldn't help but exclaim, "Where are all the black people?" One restaurant stop in particular I cut short because I just felt we weren't real welcome.

I was feeling a little bit superior as we rarely have had that feeling here at home - it has happened, but it is fairly rare.  Transracial adoptions are also relatively common in our area.  Yes, we often get stares, but there are more friendly curious ones rather than we don't want you here kind of stares.  I'm so use to it I forget that it probably bothers my children. We can't go anywhere in public without someone - a sales clerk, the sample hander outers, fellow shoppers, etc. implying that we don't belong together.

So, I'm reflecting on ways I can help him become a proud young black man.  He has come so far in so many ways and gaining confidence in himself is a process.  A process that needs fine tuning on occasion and this is one of those occasions.

Go Natural

There  was an article recently in our newspaper http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/139057634.html" - the title being "Black women learn to sweat the hair style".  The gist of the article is that black women frequently don't exercise because of their concern about their hair.  As a follow up to my last blog concerning the cost of hair care for black women the article states, "Black women have never had more or better hairstyles and products at their disposal, including a variety of weaves, smoothing keratin treatments, even wigs, which some use as a temporary solution to "workout hair." But even if a woman has the time to sit in a stylist's chair every other week, she may not have the $100 to $250 it can cost."

Let's do the math.  If we take the costs listed here a woman could spend $200-$500 a month on their hair.  I have my hair cut, colored and about every other time highlighted as well and that averages, tip included, $100-125 a month.  It has only been the last ten years or so that I could afford that expense and it really is a treat.  To have to consider a black women's hair costs as part of my budget is unthinkable.   Especially since I recently read there was a study by a leading economic research group that stated,  "while single white women in the prime of their working years (ages 36 to 49) have a median wealth of $42,600 (still only 61 percent of their single white male counterparts), the median wealth for single black women is only $5."  All the more reason it's ridiculous that they are expected to spend that much money on their hair.

The other bummer here is the article states that there is regional influence as well.  Out East natural hair is common, but here in Minnesota it is more conservative, hence the straightened hair.  Personally I think it's a custom that should be eliminated.  I realize it's ridiculously easy for me to make this statement as I am not a black woman trying to climb the corporate ladder in a conservative business atmosphere.  I just want to go on record as saying - I love natural hair and hope my girls are able to embrace their hair in any way they chose to have it styled.

Ella's crown of snow

My dear Ella loves to swim and as you can see in this picture she loves the snow as well.  Both of these activities are enemies of any kind of "unnatural" hair do.  So, while I know that her hair care will be, quite literally, out of my hands in about 5 years.  I, personally, hope that she embraces her natural hair and whatever she decides to do with her hair in no way effects her future job goals.  Pollyanna of me I know, but it is still my hope.

Hair - it's a touchy subject

The care of African American hair is a hot button issue.  There are certain do's and don'ts for sure, but what products you use, whether you straighten or keep it natural are all up for debates.  Frankly, when you can't get the same opinion from two different black women it makes it pretty difficult for this white mama to have any idea what to do.  

My 10 yr. old daughter is not interested in fancy braiding etc.  The sooner we're done messing with her hair the happier she is.  Generally I do the best I can at home - it's a necessity financially as the few times we've had it done it's run between $60 to $100+ and that gets you 6 weeks if you're lucky.  Now, I am 56 and have waited decades to be able to afford to have my hair cut and dyed by someone else.  Frankly, if the choice is between me or my daughter?  Well, after 50 I decided putting myself first occasionally was a rite of passage I definitely planned to take.

Even after the 10 years I've been doing their hair I'm still learning new things and discovering stuff I'm doing wrong.  It's a learning process and if I'm lucky she'll decide she cares in the next couple of years and take on the care and feeding of her own hair and tell me to leave it alone. It's probably wishful thinking as I had to resort to bribery to get her to lotion after her shower so she didn't get ashy, which I still feel reflects poorly on me in public.  I definitely feel a cultural responsibility to teach her proper skin and hair care, but if she just doesn't care, then I have to be good with that - or walk 5 steps away from her and pretend we're not together.  That's easy enough to do.

White Mom Raising Black Kids

There are three subjects that occupy much of my contemplative and conversational life.  Adoption, disabilities and race.  My husband, also white, and I have two biological sons and 9 adopted children of a variety of races and disabilities.  Our 4 youngest children are African-American and two of those also have disabilities.  Our family photo is below.

Race as a subject has fascinated me for quite some time.  I was born in the 50's and raised in the 60's and early 70's.  It was a tumultuous time for issues of race.  My parents frequently discussed race issues and were very supportive of the equal rights movement.  Perhaps because of that I am often discouraged that it is an issue that is still front and center.  Yes, we have a black president, but we hardly live in a post racial society.

I also have a son who is Latino and a daughter adopted from Seoul, Korea who also deal with issues of race.  This blog's goal is to concentrate on the issues of a white mother raising black children in a predominately white environment. Hopefully, this will be a place where stories can be shared, as well as opinions or feelings shared in an open and respectful way.  Since February is African American History Month it seemed like a good time to get started.